I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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