I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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