the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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