I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
