I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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