I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
