we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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