I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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