Swine flu. Run for my life!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize