i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
