i barfeds in our rink
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
