Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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