I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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