I wish my penis had an off switch
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We have so much sex to catch up on
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
