he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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