if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
