So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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