I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
