I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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