So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
