I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
