I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
