you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
