Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
