I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
