i just sent this text using only my big toe
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
