If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
