i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
