I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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