so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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