Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
