He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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