Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
