can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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