She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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