we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How's work?
Spinning.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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