a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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