FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize