Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
