You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
