Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
