i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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