Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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