Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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