god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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