The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
