Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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