I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
