Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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