I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
