im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
