I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
