U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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