nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How's work?
Spinning.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
