Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
