Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
