Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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