Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
