Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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