Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
