You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
