I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
