What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize