he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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