i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
NoShamevember. You game?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
