don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
