Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
